Sigh

i dont know what to think.
what am i suppose to do?
i went for school. and when i came back,
you're gone. you left me.
did not even wave goodbye.
i saw the last of you yesterday. you seemed to be damn irritated by us. chasing us away.
why?
cause, you are so unselfish. you did not want us to worry about you.
you did not want to trouble us. everything you do is to think of us first before you.
she said she visited you just now in the afternoon.
she said you held on to her hand for quite some time.
like you were telling her something.
like you knew that you have not much time left.
like you were saying your last goodbyes.
i should not have stayed back in school.
i should not have gone out.
i should have came straight back.
at least i could get the LAST glimpse of you.
but no, i did not. i came back late. cause i did not want to come back and listen to stupid news like this. i cant take it.
and when i finally got back, they said they pushed you to somewhere.
cause your heart practically stopped beating.
but it also seems like you were waiting for me to get back.
i could have reached by that time. i could have.
but i chose not to.
im sorry. i truly am.
sorry for not being with you when you needed me.
sorry for leaving you to deal with loneliness alone.
sorry for not caring for you enough.
sorry for all the 'nots' that i didnt do.
i love you. though i did not say it. but actions do speak louder than words.
im gonna miss you.
miss the way you laugh. the way you do things.
the way you wear your hat to go out. the way u wear your dark glasses looking so cool.
the way you cut grass. the way you drink your black coffee and eat you cha kuey.
the way you buy ice cream for me. the way you never get angry with anyone.
the way you used to cycle just to buy breakfast for me.
the way you strike lottery and gave me some of it.
the way you gave me chicken to eat and had none for yourself.
the way you do things without wanting our help.
the way we had to talk louder to make you listen.
the way i talked to you to ask you things. to ask you to eat.
tell me, you did not suffer when you left right?
your heart stopped beating. did you let it stop by itself?
they say you couldnt be saved anymore.
i know you're old. i know.
but.. i dont even know what's that but for.
all i know what to do is cry. and it doesnt help a single bit.
im not strong enough for this. im not.
im hurting. im in pain. im in agony. im emo-ing.
im dying.. my heart died when your heart stopped beating.
i hope you are happy now. at least raine and mama is there welcoming you.
you wont have to be lonely anymore.
but i guess i still have to suffer more before my turn right?
you have suffered enough. in this life.
you have indeed lived well. you even got the chance to move in with us to the new house.
so god, please grant him a place in heaven.
grant him eternal peace. grant him no pain and agony.
grant him a good life up there.
that's all that i can ask for.
do not worry bout von. she will be fine.
she WILL be FINE. do not come asking her anything.
cause she is currently veryvery UNSTABLE.
so after you read. all you need to do is SHUT the HELL UP.
by doing that, you have done a great deal to her.
thanks.

baby fly away. it will be my turn to fly soon.

cause the hardest part of this is leaving you.

when you go, would you even turn to say goodbye?

sir, i wana buy these shoes, for my mummy please,
it's xmas eve and these shoes are just her size,
could you hurry sir? daddy says there's not much time
you see, she's been sick for quite awhile,
and i know these shoes would make her smile,
and i want her to look beautiful
if mummy meets Jesus tonight.

i am not afraid to keep on living
i am not afraid to walk this world alone
honey if you stay, i'll be forgiving
nothing you could say could stop me going home

i love you, i loved you all along.
and i miss you far away for far too long
i keep dreaming you'll be with me and you never go
stop breathing if i dont see you anymore
so far away... far away for far too long.

how could this happen to me?
i made my mistakes got no where to run..
in a perfect world, this could never happen.
in a perfect world, you'd still be here.

~ von out ~